Friday 7 November 2008

Contemplative

I took today off. It is rather marvelous to start the morning on skype with my sister and now I get to do a blog post too. The problem is I have SO much going on in my head and I am battling to filter it and turn it into something interesting. I was looking at pictures of my girls and it suddenly really struck me, they are BOTH so grown up. Kirstin has suddenly shot up, she has always been a head shorter than Jess and now that space between them is not so obvious anymore. What happened? The other day I was bathing them, dressing them, feeding them, strapping them into their car seats...watching them in my rear view mirror as they both sat in the back. Now I always have one of them sitting beside me in the car. The years have whirled past and I have loved them all but I honestly miss the days when I was mommy. I have a lot more independence than I did when they were younger yet I have never felt more lost. When they were little it was THEM 24/7 and I don't recall ever begrudging them a minute of my time (Malcolm may decide to disagree here???) I had a purpose. Now I have some of my time back, time for myself and I do believe I have tried to make the most of it...but why do I often feel like I am floundering? I am coming to terms with a new set of rules, I know I am still a guide and a teacher to my children and luckily even a friend, but always a parent... the NEED they had has lessened, which is as it should be, if it were any other way I would have been doing them a great disservice, I know that. I guess I need a new purpose...any ideas?
I considered not posting this, but as this is for my family and friends far away I decided that it is something to share, especially to those friends who are still on the journey with little children...hold on to every moment and make as many amazing memories as you can, before you know it, you will be missing that little hand in yours.

6 comments:

AnonyMouse said...

You have been an incredible Mom, of that there is no doubt. Be patient with yourself and you will find a fresh role to play, equally well I have no doubt!

Rose said...
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Melanie said...

I suspect that their need for your guidance might lessen in frequency but it will grow in complexity. As they move on from needing direction in how to grow up they will start to need direction on how to tackle life and all her great tests. Your job is only just starting, your warm up years are past and now it is time for the biggest challenge of all - guiding them into young adulthood so that when they are ready... they can truly fly.

Natalie said...

Mouse - Thanks, this role is not quite done though...just morphing!

Rose - Um....no. I do think about it, but then in 12 years I will be in the same position AGAIN!!!

Melanie- My wise cousin. That is why you and Wally are the girls guardians! BUT I still believe that the foundation we set from when they are babies will ensure that we can all get through the tough bits together, reap what you sow and all that. What they learn from the baby days all the way through, and the way they see their relationship with parents will have a big impact on the rest of all our lives! BTW..your comment made me cry!!!

Tracy said...

Mels comment made me cry too, but so did your post! This could possibly explain my uncontrolable broodiness at the mo'!

Natalie said...

Tracy - Yep I guess we are both in the same sort of cycle. Guess we will have to offer to do some babysitting! Love you!